Calvin Clean bol ke khuraanaa kaa maal pehnaataa hai

This is a line from a recent Hindi film. The film did not have much to write home about. But this line made me jump out of my chair and laugh for three minutes. Not only did it make me laugh, it made me think. Bangkok may be the fake Rolex capital of the world, but India is not far behind in terms of fake brands. So this line has that layer that I look for in lines being featured here. Hence I thought it appropriate to share it with everyone.
The movie is One Two Three. A generally inane film – which does make you laugh every ten to fifteen minutes.

The story is about the confusion created by three men with the same name (Laxminarayan) who land up in the same hotel at the same time. One of them is a dealer in lingerie (Paresh Rawal), the second is a rookie contract killer (Tushar Kapoor) and the third is a hassled corporate executive (Suniel Shetty). All three come to the same hotel with different agendas and end up being mistaken for one another. Resulting in some hilarious scenes and some not so hilarious scenes.

In the climax, there is a lot of chaotic stuff happening. Pinto (Sanjay Mishra one of the henchmen of Mukesh Tiwari) takes the chaos one level further by taking off his clothes. When he is down to his semi-bermuda semi – naaDa chaDDee kind of underwear, Laxminarayan (Paresh Rawal) – who is an underwear seller – asks him

ये पहाड़गंज से ख़रीदा है ?
Yeh PahaaRganj se khareedaa hai?

And then with certainty says

ये खुराना का माल है.
Yeh Khurana ka maal hai.

Pinto asks him

आपको कैसे पता?
Aapko kaise pataa?

And Paresh says

ऐसा घटिया माल खुराना ही बेचता है
Aisaa ghaTiyaa maal Khurana hee bechtaa hai

Without any warning, Pinto starts bawling and crying and says

आप जानते हैं...कॅल्विन क्लीन क्लीन बोल के ना …खुराना का माल पहनाता है
Aap jaante hai…Calvin Clean Clean (that’s how he pronounces it) bol ke na…khurana ka maal pahanaataa hai

The contrite look that Mukesh Tiwari gives at this moment is very apt. The outrage of Pinto is also very credible.

So, if you have been sold something which is not what it was touted to be, use this line. Make sure you pronounce it as Calvin Clean.

Kisko diyaa hai jo too reh gayaa hai

Ramgopal Verma’s films are famous for their clever lines. His best films are Shiva, Rangeela. Satya, Company, and Sarkar. If you notice, apart from Rangeela, all the others are in the underworld/gangster genre. Smart lines are so much easier in that genre. But since Aamir Khan plays Munnabhai, a petty blackmarketer of cinema tickets in Rangeela, there are a plethora of smart lines in Rangeela too.

After a shift at the local theatre selling tickets in black, Munna and Pakya (Rajesh Joshi) stop by at a small street restaurant to have a cuppa. But the waiter there (Sanjay Goradia) knows them quite well and says

Udhar paDhaa nahee kyaa?...aaj rokRaa kal udhaar.
उधर पढा नहीं क्या? आज रोकड़ा कल उधार
Munna responds in typical Mumbai tapori style

Ae khajoor…rokRaa hotaa to apun 5 star me jaake ‘cutting’ nahee peeetaa kyaa? Chal jaldee kar…teraa account kal settle karegaa…
ए खजूर ...रोकड़ा होता तो अपुन 5 स्टार मे जाके ‘कटिंग’ नहीं पीता क्या? चल जल्दी कर ...तेरा अकाउंट कल सॅट्टल करेगा...
The waiter reconfirms

Pakkaa?
पक्का?
And then Munna comes up with this classic line

Pakkaa, pakkaa. Kisko diyaa hai jo too reh gayaa hai…
पक्का पक्का. किसको दिया है जो तू रह गया है...
Initially the waiter (and the audience too) take that as a simple confirmation. And after a few seconds it dawns upon the waiter (and upon the audience too) that they had been had. Essentially Munna is saying that he doesn’t intend paying.

A great line to use while buying time for delinquent loans (from friends), which are being called in. It would not be a good line to try with professional recovery agents.

Isiiliye to paidal jaa rahe ho

Kamal Kapoor was a lesser known relative of Raj Kapoor. In the movie Don, he plays Narang who is instrumental in getting Jasjeet (Pran) back into the folds of crime. In Farhan Akhtar’s 2006 version, Pavan Malhotra essays the role of Narang.

Jasjeet is an ace safecracker who is now going straight. He works in a circus as a trapeze artist. As an aside, this is a very funny costume that Jasjeet puts on – a black underwear on an all white body hugging dress. You can safely be expected to laugh for 93 minutes after seeing this costume once. Of course, you could laugh longer if you have the lung power. On his way back from one such performance, Narang accosts him. Narang is sitting in an expensive car. He offers Jasjeet another safecracking job. Jasjeet responds in characteristic Pran style

नही नारंग मै दूसरे रास्ते जा रहा हू
Kamal Kapoor retorts with the classic

इसीलिये तो पैदल जा रहे हो

This is Bollywood’s reference to the classic Robert Frost poem ‘The road not taken’

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

Of course, the meaning has been slightly inverted by Narang here, though he is suggesting clearly that it is the road taken by Jasjeet, that has made all the difference.

Pahle mere ko ye samajhaa ki... samajhaanaa kyaa hai

This is one of the best comedies of the post-Hrishikesh era. I saw it in Metro theatre in Mumbai, because I was bored and had nothing else to do. Little did I know, that the best events and moments in life are serendipitous – discovered by accident. I have seldom laughed as much in a theatre. I have seen the movie a dozen times subsequently, but I still enjoy watching it. A lot of people say that it was Paresh Rawal through and through. I feel that this movie actually unleashed the comic in Akshay Kumar – till that time he was the ‘Khiladi’ action and romance league. Even Sunil Shetty plays a good foil, to accentuate the humour. This is Priyadarshan’s best Hindi film till date (IMO).

When Raju (Akshay Kumar) and Shyam (Sunil Shetty) are fighting with each other in Baburao Ganpat Apte (Paresh Rawal)’s house, Baburao tries to mediate. Shyam tells him

बाबूभैय्या इसको आप समझा लीजिये
Baburao says ok. Then pauses and turns around and asks Shyam

पहले मेरे को ये समझा, कि इसको समझाना क्या है, वो समझा।

I will have to confirm this, but I think this line first comes in Sholay (Soormaa Bhopaali uses it). But this is so true for all the communication that happens in corporate world. The head honcho tells the others to do something in a vague manner and the guys down the line continue communicating it vaguely. There are so many ‘pehlaa order cancel’s that happen that people are largely confused. So it would be a good idea before you embark on communicating goals down the line to ask the guy above you

पहले ये समझा, कि समझाना क्या है?

AnTaa Gafeel ho gayee

This is Gulzar again. From the movie Aandhi. Aarti Devi (Suchitra Sen) is the daughter of Mr K Bose (Rehman) who is a prominent personality. Bose has great political ambitions for his daughter Aarti. The allusion is very clearly to Nehru and Indira. Though the censor board of that time, insisted on a scene where the two of them i.e. Bose and Aarti, look at a photo of Indira and Aarti says

woh to merii ideal hai

वो तो मेरी ideal है

Aandhi is the story of how a woman's ambition comes in the way of her happy married life. As a man, I found it hard to digest some of the chauvinistic statements made. I think women would squirm. The story is of a woman Aarti (who has political ambitions) and a hotelier JK (who wants a wife who can take care of the home and hearth). The woman choses career over husband and daughter, later repents, and finally comes back. Hell, the writer/director even make Aarti touch the feet of JK in the end.

In a party, Aarti’s drink is laced with alcohol, by a trouble monger. She is in a drunken stupor and decides that it would be better if she spent the night in a hotel. She lands up in JK (Sanjeev Kumar)’s hotel and JK helps her to her room. In the morning, when JK recounts her nocturnal escapade. He uses this phrase to tell Aarti that she had just collapsed in drunken stupor. I just love the phrase

‘अंटा गफील हो गयी...’

Saeed Jaffrey uses this phrase in Chashme Baddoor when he tell Ravi Baswani that he has devoured his money

पैसे अंडा गफ़ील कर लिये है ...
Whereas JK says ‘अंटा गफ़ील’. Aandhi is written by Kamleshwar and Gulzar, whereas Chashme Baddoor is written by Sai Paranjpe. I think I will go with the former. Though I would use the option to the readers to use either of the two.

Balwant samajh rahaa thaa ki maut uske peechhe aa rahee hai. Lekin maut uske aage thee

This is a line which I thought of long long back. It is a line which I have used many times that I have lost count. But since I am very particular about putting in the exact words on the blog, I had to wait for a while before I could post this.

Well this is from the film Duniya. It is a pretty standard revenge drama (A Count of Monte Cristo –ish film). Mohan Kumar (Dilip Kumar) comes back from prison and exacts revenge upon the three main villains – Prem Chopra, Pran and Amrish Puri. Balwant Singh (Amrish Puri) is running away from Mohan Kumar. Mohan chases him. The chase spills onto the streets. So you have Balwant weaving through crowd and traffic, Mohan in hot pursuit. Balwant constantly keeps looking back, keeping an eagle eye for Mohan. Suddenly he is run over by an approaching truck.

Later Mohan goes to JK (Pran) and tells him that it was an accident. Of course Mohan has a special way of saying this

Balwant samajh rahaa thaa ki maut uske peechhe aa rahee hai. Lekin maut uske aage thee. Accident ho gayaa. Yeh koee hairat kee baat to hai nahee. BarsoN pehle tumne khud hee kahaa thaa – saDakoN par to accident hote hee rehte haiN

बलवंत समझ रहा था कि मौत उसके पीछे आ रही है. लेकिन मौत उसके आगे थी. ऍक्सिडेंट हो गया. ये कोई हैरत की बात तो है नहीं. बरसों पहले तुमने ख़ुद ही कहा था – सड़कों पर तो ऍक्सिडेंट होते ही रहते हैं

How many times does it happen that you are constantly watching one source of trouble and you get hit by another. Just like that – out of the blue. Every such time, you could say

वो समझ रहा था कि मौत उसके पीछे आ रही है, लेकिन मौत उसके आगे थी
A variant of this could be

मै समझ रहा था कि मौत मेरे पीछे आ रही है, लेकिन मौत मेरे आगे थी
On a different note, one story which probably captures the essence of this line very well is RK Laxman’s (yes Laxman not Narayan) short story – The Gold Frame.

Maaju bi, ras ka mausam Khatam ho gayaa, guR ban gayaa, tum jaa saktee ho

It is rare that a scene has Amitabh and the heroine, and you come back remembering the heroine’s dialogue. Very rare indeed. I first saw Saudagar (1973) on Doordarshan – some 15 years back. It is probably the only movie, where I came back disliking Amitabh. Even in Parvaanaa, though he commits a ‘murder most foul’, you do not hate him. But in Saudagar you would have. Anyways, this film was a Rajshri film and hence the focus was more on story and music than on the stars. The story was based on Bangla writer Narendranath Mitra’s ‘Ras’. It is a very simple story. Moti (Amitabh Bachchan – though later this name was used for his pet Labrador in Mard) is a guR seller of repute. The combination of the ‘ras’ that he gathers and the way it is prepared by Maaju Bi (Nutan), makes his guR a best seller. He is in love with Phoolbano (Padma Khanna – the Rakhee Sawant of the 70s) but is unable to pay the meher (a kind of dower) for her. He decides to marry Maaju Bi to save on the guR making cost. Once he has scrounged enough money for the ‘meher’ he decides to divorce Maaju Bi by falsely accusing her of infidelity. In the scene where Moti accuses Maaju in front of the qaazii, Maaju gets emotional and curses Moti for stooping so low. She sees through his game and says that he could merely have asked her to leave. He needn’t have made such an accusation and that too against someone whom she respected a lot. She captures this sentiment in the line.


माजू बी ...रस का मौसम ख़तम हो गया...गुड़ बन गया...तुम जा सकती हो...
Normally, I end by suggesting possible usages for the line. This time, I will refrain from doing so. The line itself is so loaded, that I would urge you to use your imagination.

And yes, I do not remember what Moti said. I think he did not say anything. That was the pre-Zanjeer Amitabh. He was not wont to saying much.