Yeh laDkiyaaN shamshaan tak aa naheeN saktee, lekin pahunchaa zaroor sakteeN haiN

Film : Woodstock Villa
Year of release : 2008
Spoken by : Kaleem Bhai (Gulshan Grover)
Spoken to : Sameer (Sikander Kher)

Gulshan Grover here playing another interesting character called Kaleem Bhai. He is a don who is owed money by the hero Sameer. Sameer is of course a philanderer and takes a needlessly healthy interest in women. On one such collection call, Kaleem Bhai leaves Sameer with a warning.

"jaate jaate kaleem bhaai kee naseehat sun le. ye laDkiyaan shamshaan tak aa naheeN saktee lekin pahunchaa zaroor sakteeN haiN"
"जाते जाते कलीम भाई की नसीहत सुन ले. ये लड़कियाँ शम्शान तक आ नहीं सकती, लेकिन पहुँचा ज़रूर सकतीं हैं"

Isme aapkaa dosh naheeN...meree soorat hee aisee hai

Film : Awaara
Year of release : 1951
Spoken by : Raj (Raj Kapoor)
Spoken to : Rita (Nargis)

This is Raj's oft-repeated line in this movie. You can call it his 'takiaa qalaam'. Raj is a tramp - an aawaara - who steals for a living. One fine day, he snitches Rita's purse from a crowded market place. He bumps into her as he is doing this. Since he is dressed as a tramp, Rita heaps scorn on him. When she discovers that her purse is missing, she is distraught. She starts running in the direction where she thinks the thief might have gone. Raj pretends to chase the thief and while chasing this thief he jumps over a high wall and pretends to fight with the imaginary thief before bringing back the purse to Rita. He is almost exposed, as a curious Rita tries to climb the wall to see what's going on. But she is unable to scale the wall and hence Raj escapes detection. When he hands the purse back to Rita, she is contrite as she had treated him with contempt a while back. Raj says

"IsmeN aapkaa dosh naheeN memsaab; merii soorat hee aisee hai. Aur to aur kabhee kabhee police bhee dhokhaa khaa jaatee hai"
"इसमें आपका दोष नहीं मेमसाब; मेरी सूरत ही ऐसी है. और तो और कभी कभी पुलिस भी धोखा खा जाती है"

Years later I remember reading an interview (perhaps by the late Bunny Reuben) where Raj was asked what went wrong between him and Nargis. Raj is reported to have said

"Perhaps she did not find me handsome enough"

I guess Raj had this desire to get all audience sympathy directed towards him by hook or by crook. Probably the reason why after Andaaz, he was so desperate to do Sangam with Dilip. The final choice for that role in Sangam - Rajender Kumar - was quite miffed at the way Raj tried to corner all the sympathy in Sangam. I see no other reason why a very fair, slim, 26 year young man with blue eyes should mouth a line like this in India - and get away with it.

I remember, Cary Grant used to say that he would tell every woman that he was impotent and that made them all the more eager to prove him wrong. This seems to be a similar trick. So, if you are handsome and suffer from the same complex that Raj did, use this line. I can't use it. You see the line kind of loses its punch if mouthed by someone ugly. :)

इसमें आपका दोष नहीं मेमसाब; मेरी सूरत ही ऐसी है

Neech aadmii bhee vohee kaam karte haiN jo shareef karte haiN

Film : Daag

Year of release : 1973

Spoken by : Dheeraj Kapoor (Prem Chopra)

Spoken to : Sonia (Sharmila Tagore)

This lesser known film directed by the other and now very famous Chopra - Yash Chopra, is now remembered as the film which marked Kader Khan's debut. He features as a lawyer in a sneeze-and-you-will-miss-me role.

Sonia (Sharmila) and Sunil kohli (Rajesh Khanna) are newly weds who have come to Kulu where Sunil has landed a new job with Kapoor Industries (whose owners are Jagdish Kapoor i.e. Shivadasani and his son Dheeraj Kapoor i.e. Prem Chopra). They have been put up in Kapoor’s house. Dheeraj casts his evil eye on Sonia. He pretends he has come into her room to take out some cash from the safe. He then heaps a few bundles together in his arms and asks her to hold them for a moment. When she does that, he says

"Agar ye saare note aapko de diye jaayeN to kaisa rahegaa?"

"अगर ये सारे नोट आपको दे दिये जायें तो कैसा रहेगा?"

She suddenly understands his intentions and says

"nikal jaaiye mere kamre se"

Dheeraj advances threateningly towards her. Sonia says

"maine to aapko ek shareef aadmi samjhaa thaa, aap to bilkul neech nikle"

"मैने तो आपको एक शरीफ़ आदमी समझा था, आप तो बिलकुल नीच निकले"

He retorts with

"neech aadmi bhee vohee kaam karte haiN jo shareef karte haiN"

"नीच आदमी भी वोही काम करते हैं जो शरीफ़ करते हैं"

and moves on to molest her. You have to see the leer on his face when he says that. Bang on Mr Prem Chopra and so true.

Agar maarnaa ho to bolne kee zaroorat kyaa hai

Film : Satya

Year of release : 1998

Spoken by : Satya (Chakravarthy)

Spoken to : Bhiku Mhatre (Manoj Bajpai)

An attack is made on the life of Bhiku and his men. All the attackers are killed except one. After interrogating him, Bhiku discovers that it was Gurunarayan (another gangster who had not openly come out as his rival) who had ordered the killing. An angry Bhiku loses control and shouts

"Suar ko ghar meN ghus ke maaregaa maiN"

"सूअर को घर में घुस के मारेगा मैं"

At this point in time, Bhiku has only reacted and has not seriously considered the possibility of killing Gurunarayan. It is almost like we would threaten a close friend with murder. But a very serious and sober Satya converts that reaction statement to an action statement by asking a very germane question.

"Agar maarnaa ho, to bolne kee zaroorat kyaa hai?"

"अगर मारना हो, तो बोलने की ज़रूरत क्या है?"

One of the perennial problem with a lot of people is all talk and no action - which incidentally shortens to a famous Carnatic Raag ATANA. A resolute Satya here is talking of 'Direct Action' - something of the kind Jinnah had proposed.

There are two theories here - one which says that you should not disclose your intentions when you decide to do something. There are others who, like Babe Ruth's famous called shot, believe in saying something and doing it. But at the moment to me, Satya's logic seems stronger

"अगर मारना हो, तो बोलने की ज़रूरत क्या है?"

Afsos ke log doodh se bhee jal jaate haiN

Film : Paakeezah
Year of release : 1972
Spoken by : Salim Ahmed Khan (Raaj Kumar)
Spoken to : Hakim saahab (Sapru)

Paakeezah is another film where the writing has what we call 'nafaasat' - a kind of finesse which is very rare in Hindi films. Salim is in front of his family patriarch who has objected to his bringing Saahib Jaan (Meena Kumari) home without determining her pedigree. He has had a similar experience with Shahabuddin (Ashok Kumar) who had, many years ago, brought a woman called Nargis (Meena Kumari again) home. So he says

"Jo log doodh se jal jaate haiN, wo chhaachh bhee phoonk phoonk kar peete haiN"
"जो लोग दूध से जल जाते हैं, वो छाछ भी फूंक फूंक कर पीते हैं"

A visibly irritated Salim retorts with this great line

"Afsos ke log doodh se bhee jal jaate haiN"
"अफ़सोस के लोग दूध से भी जल जाते हैं"

He is referring to the benign nature of milk and using it to hit back at his grandfather's proverb.

This Hindi equivalent of 'once bitten twice shy" is oft used by people. So if it is used in a situation where you disagree, go ahead and say

"अफ़सोस के लोग दूध से भी जल जाते हैं"

Inkaa exam hai?

Film: Vivaah

Year of release: 2006

Spoken by : Rahul (Ameya Pandya)

Spoken to : Bhavna (Lata Sabharwal)

I found it very difficult to watch this film. Not because it wasn't a nice film. It was. Not because the performances were not good. They were. But while watching the film, my brain kept rejecting everything thrown at it. The songs were atrocious. Hard to fathom why Suraj chose Daddu (Ravindra Jain) for the music. Suraj says it is because he could write lines like 'samarpan kee belaa' to describe the first night meeting. I wonder why he couldn't have outsourced the music at least. Coming back to the post, this is the scene where Prem (Shahid Kapoor) and Poonam (Amrita Rao) meet for the first time. Bhavna (Prem's bhabhee) decide to leave them alone and take little Rahul (Prem's nephew) also along. Before leaving them, Bhavna says - 'all the best'.

Little Rahul is perplexed and asks

"inka exam hai?"

"इनका इग्ज़ॅम है?"

One of the few genuine mirthful moments of the film. With films like Return of the Jewel Thief, you can laugh at them, if not with them. But in movies like Vivaah, even that is not possible without feeling guilty. You run the risk of being dubbed as heartless and emotionless.

MaiN tumheN is tarah Khaamosh naheeN hone dooNgaa

Film : Anand

Year of release : 1971

Spoken by : Dr Bhaskar (Amitabh Bachchan)

Spoken to : Anand Sehgal (Rajesh Khanna)

This is the climax scene of the tear-jerker Anand. Still manages to clean my eyes out, though I would have seen it over 100 times.

Anand is bed-ridden and about to breathe his last. Suddenly a desperate Dr Bhaskar tells Dr Prakash Kulkarni (Ramesh Deo) that Dr Shastri (who is a cancer specialist) might have found some new miraculous cure for the disease and rushes out to Dr. Shastri's house. A dying Anand begs Bhaskar to stay, as he knows that it is futile to find a cure at this late stage. Even Prakash tells Bhaskar not to be foolish and stay with Anand during his dying moments. But a stubborn Bhaskar goes anyway.

While Bhaskar is away, Anand is dying and asks for Bhaskar. When he realises that Bhaskar is not there, he asks Prakash to play the tape which has Bhaskar's and his voice. It is the same "maut too ek kavita hai" poem in Bhaskar's voice which ends with the "zindagi aur maut to oopar waale..." dialogue (which you can read here). If you have seen the scene, you would remember that between Bhaskar's poem and Anand's dialogue there is a long interlude when Anand is figuring out what he should say. In fact, Bhaskar has to goad him with the famous 'tumhe bhee bolnaa paDegaa bolne ke liye" dialogue (Read it here). This interlude is used very cleverly in the climax.

So as Anand listens to the poem on death in his friend Bhaskar's voice, he dies with a last scream of "babu moshaai". There is a hushed silence all around. This is broken by Bhaskar who bursts into the room with

"Prakash, Dr. Shastri..."

He breaks off as he realises that Anand is dead. He turns to the supine form of his friend and delivers those great lines which will give you gooseflesh even if you are part human. Full humans beware.

"naheeN ...maiN tumheN is tarah Khamosh naheeN hone dooNgaa"

"नहीं...मैं तुम्हें इस तरह ख़ामोश नहीं होने दूंगा"

"Chhah maheene se tumhaaree bak bak sun rahaa hooN maiN"

"छह महीने से तुम्हारी बक बक सुन रहा हूं मैं"

"bol bol ke meraa sar khaa gaye ho tum. bolo...baateN karo mujhse - baateN karo mujhse - baateN karo mujhse"

"बोल बोल के मेरा सर खा गये हो तुम. बोलो...बातें करो मुझसे - बातें करो मुझसे - बातें करो मुझसे"

That's when the tape interlude ends and Anand's voice rings out from the Sony tape recorder. For a moment, everyone feels that the prankster in Anand has actually come to the fore. In a moment they realise, it is only the tape. That's when the words dry up and everyone breaks down. Great scene.

Jab pati apnee patni ko kuchh aur nahee de saktaa to usko credit card detaa hai

Film : Dhoom Dhadakka

Year of release : 2008

Spoken by : Johnny English (Satish Kaushik)

Spoken to : Secretary Jia (Deepshikha)

This is a silly line. But when I saw the movie I liked it, hence I am featuring it here. Johnny English has this Karamchand-Kittyish relation with his secretary, though unlike Karamchand he is not intelligent. But he prefaces his witticisms with

"नॉलॆज के लिये लिखो, जब पति अपनी पत्नी को कुछ और नहीं दे सकता तो उसको क्रेडिट कार्ड देता है"

"knowledge ke liye likho, jab pati apnee patnee ko kuchh aur naheeN de saktaa to usko credit card detaa hai"

These days whenever I meet someone who says that he has taken an add-on card and given it to his wife, I find it difficult to suppress a smile. Silly as I said, but then one should do silly things once in a while.

Here's to silliness.

Ye Bruce Lee kaa naheeN Osama kaa zamaanaa hai

Film : Contract

Year of release : 2008

Spoken by : Karim Ali (Ranjeev Verma)

Spoken to : Allwyn (Yasir Khan)

Allwyn is a henchman of RD. He is always showing off kick-boxing moves and he is also a Bruce Lee look alike. In one such face-off with another gangmember Karim Ali, Karim whips out a revolver and says

"ये ब्रूस ली का नहीं ओसामा का ज़माना है"

"Ye Bruce Lee kaa naheeN Osama kaa zamaanaa hai"

This is an obvious reference to the fact that UAC or unarmed combat is not effective in the age of AK47s.

Qutub minar par malaai maar ke le aa

Film : Road

Year of release: 2002

Spoken by : Babu (Manoj Bajpai)

Spoken to : Dhaba waiter

Manoj Bajpai excelled in this film as Babu, the criminal. The couple in love - Arvind and Lakshmi (Vivek Oberoi and Antara Mali) see the first glimpse of his darker side at the dhaabaa. They have given him a lift. He forces them to stop a dhaabaa saying he is very hungry. When the dhaabaa waiter comes to serve him, Babu asks him

"kyaa milegaa?"

The dhaabaa waiter says

"sab kuchh milegaa"

Babu responds with

"Qutub minar par malaai maar ke le aa"

"क़ुतुब मीनार पर मलाई मार के ले आ"

Now this is a perfectly normal joke, but it is the way Babu says it that underlines a certain menace to his character. He follows this line by asking the waiter boy why he had said 'sab kuchh milegaa'. The audience and the waiter boy both are very uncomfortable with this character called Babu by now. The young couple have started wondering now, but the full import will hit them soon after.

So. If you stop by at a restaurant where the waiter tells you 'sab kuchh milegaa' try this line. Unless you say it the way Babu says it, I think you will only generate laughter.

Yeh vo log haiN jinheN saDkoN pe baTue mile aur unhone lauTaaye naheeN

Film : Anari
Year of release : 1959
Spoken by : Ramlal (Motilal)
Spoken to : Raj (Raj Kapoor)

The first time I 'heard' this film, this was the line that stayed with me. I finally managed to dig up the DVD to confirm the exact words. Yes you read right - I said 'heard' this movie. There used to be a program called Chitradhwani on Vividh Bharti. I think that was way back in 1989. I saw the movie for the first time in 2008. But for some strange reason this line stayed with me all this while.

Raj is searching for his 50 p which has fallen on the road, when he is almost knocked over by Ramlal’s car. Ramlal angrily gets down and accuses him of trying to extort money by purposely coming under his car. Later when he realizes Raj’s honesty, he offers him money. Raj refuses. Ramlal offers to take him to a hotel and feed him instead. Raj refuses that too. While leaving, Ramlal drops his wallet accidentally. Raj picks it up and has to fight off local loafers who accuse him of being a thief, before he can take the wallet back to Ramlal. Even Raj's landlady Mrs. L D'sa (Lalita Pawar) suspects him initially. Once she realises he is honest, she forces him to immediately go and return the wallet to Ramlal. Ramlal is having lunch in Hotel Shan Mahal (a none-too-veiled reference to the five star hotel Taj Mahal). Raj is unable to get in as the doorman thinks he is a low class person. Raj fishes out the wallet to try and explain to the doorman. The doorman is overly impressed by the wallet and immediately allows him in.

When he finally meets Ramlal, this is the exchange between the two of them. Truly a classic of Hindi cinema.

"Tum jaante ho is batue me kitne rupaye haiN?

"Bahut se rupaye haiN"

"Aur tum ye mujhe waapas karne aaye ho?"

"Jee haaN"

"Tab to tum bilkul anaaRi ho"

"dekhiye is batue ke liye aaj lord ke saamne merii beizzati ho gayee, aur ab aap mujhe anaRi kehte hain!"

"BaiTho. dekhte ho yeh rangeen zindagi. Heerey moti jawaaharaat se ladee ye auraten, bhaDkeele qahqahe lagaane vaale ye mard, ye log sab kaun haiN?"

"Mujhe nahee maaloom"

"Ye vo log haiN jinhe saDkoN pe batue mile, aur unhone lautaaye naheeN"

" ये वो लोग हैं जिन्हे सड़कों पे बटुए मिले और उन्होंने लौटाये नहीं"
"Jee ye sab mujhe jaanne kee zaroorat naheeN"

For a long time, the general populace in India thought that it was not possible to be rich and to be honest at the same time. I have mentioned this earlier in my blog too. Read this post.

I do think that times have changed. But every now and then when I am at a party, where the ostentation is atrocious, I am reminded of this line.

English boltaa hai

Film: Agnipath

Year of release : 1990

Spoken by : Vijay Deenanath Chauhan (Amitabh Bachchan)

Spoken to : Commissioner M S Gaitonde (Vikram Gokhale)

This line was often used by a colleague of mine, whenever he thought someone was using too much English. Although this is not what Bachchan means in the film. We will come to that in a while. It is strange that the Big B today is known more for his 'maaloom' and 'HaiN' mannerism which is entirely from Agnipath. Though he won his first national award for this film, he almost seems like a parody of his own personality. This is the introductory scene of Amitabh in Agnipath. He is sitting in front of the commissioner of police, who is trying to warn him of the dangers of continuing on the path of crime. Vijay gives a lot of 'gyaan' back to the commissioner. I will cover those in some other posts. But as a direct response to Gaitonde's warning, he whips out a diary from his pocket and says

"yeh dekhaa haiN...haaN? aaj shaam 6 baje maut ke saath apenTmenT hai"

then he pauses and asks the commissioner

"English boltaa hai?...abhee chaltaa hai"

"इंग्लिश बोलता है?...अभी चलता है"

Indians have a very strange relationship with the English language. Here is a gangster, who is uneducated and uses one English word. After using the word, he is asking a commissioner of police (who obviously has cleared the civil services exam) if he speaks and understands English. Hilarious. Later in the same film, in the famous 'I am not a goonda' scene, when a waiter walks up to him and says 'excuse me', Vijay goes wild and breaks a few cups and plates and chides the waiter with

"tum kyaa english boltaa hai"

"तुम क्या इंग्लिश बोलता है"

But a great line to use - multiple usages. Use it like my colleague did, or use it like Vijay did. Your choice.

And finally, it is not "Agneepath" but "Agnipath". But then Karan Johar and family does not know too much Hindi. Nor did Mukul S Anand. Surprising though - Amitabh does.

Now that you have read this post, it's my turn to ask you -

"English boltaa hai?...abhee chaltaa hai"

"इंग्लिश बोलता है?...अभी चलता है"

Utarte huye sooraj meN bhee bahut tapish hai

Film : Jodha Akbar

Year of release : 2008

Spoken by : Sujamal (Sonu Sood)

Spoken to : Jodha (Aishwarya Rai)

Shujamal has been passed over for the kingship of Aamer. He leaves the court of Raja Bhaarmal (Kulbhushan Kharbanda) in a huff. Jodha tries to stop him, but he doesn't wait. But while leaving he says,

"to yaad rakhiyegaa jodhaa , utarte huye sooraj meN bhee bahut tapish hai"

"तो याद रखियेगा जोधा, उतरते हुये सूरज में भी बहुत तपिश है"

He later goes and meets Sharifuddin (Nikitin Dheer). Sharifudin agrees to put in a word for him, but he asks for Sujamal's support for attacking Akbar as a return favour.

Achchhaa kyaa aur buraa kyaa sab bekaar kee baateN haiN

Film : Devdas

Year of release : 1955

Spoken by : Devdas (Dilip Kumar)

Spoken to : Chunilal (Motilal)

A distraught Devdas runs away to Calcutta, when his parents refuse to accede to his marriage with Paro. There he meets Chunilal, the inveterate wine-and-women-worshipper. He asks Chuni Babu to take him to the nautch girl whom Chuni visits often. Chuni is hesitant. He says

"chal to sakte haiN...par wo jagah achchhee nahee hai"

And a visibly irritated Devdas says

"Achchhaa kyaa aur buraa kyaa, sab bekaar kee baateN haiN"

"अच्छा क्या और बुरा क्या, सब बेकार की बातें हैं"

There are times when faced with the practical difficulties of life, you find it very difficult to do, what you think is the right thing. At such a time, if someone turns moralistic on you, you would find yourself mouthing this line.

I must say one thing. All Bimal Roy films are still very watchable. Bimal Roy did not drink himself. But he made a helluva Devdas.

Jo log dhoti pahante haiN na, vo doosroN kee saaRee naheeN utaarte

Film : Woodstock Villa
Year of release : 2008

Spoken by : Mr. Chawla (Shakti Kapoor)

Spoken to : Sameer (Sikandar Kher)

Mr. Chawla is Sameer's landlord. He refers to Sameer's vulnerability and says

"Jo log dhoti pahante haiN na, vo doosroN kee saaRee naheeN utaarte"